Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
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