Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
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