please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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