I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
