So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
So much Jack, so little girl.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
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