I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
He felt like a one man threesome
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
