Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Randomize
