isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Randomize
