My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Randomize
