im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Randomize
