I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
