No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
I should be sponsored by Trojan
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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