six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
