What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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