I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
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