why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
