Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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