the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Randomize
