one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
