Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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