I'm pants shitting drunk right now
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
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