he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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