1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
