I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
