So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
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