you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
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