her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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