And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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