Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
Randomize
