I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
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