Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
Randomize
