Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
Randomize