Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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