I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Randomize
