we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
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