life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Randomize
