Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Randomize