well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
