When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
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