So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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