He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
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