I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Randomize
