Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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