I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
