If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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