Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
