I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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