she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
