Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Randomize
