: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Randomize
