dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Please don't give away my fajitas
Randomize