I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
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