we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
