pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Randomize
