and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
Randomize
