You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Randomize
