so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize