T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
