lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
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