how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
I want you more than these girls want KFC
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Randomize
