he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Randomize
