Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
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