I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Mind blown. Apparently, it's PRErogative, not PERogative. I blame Bobby Brown.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
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